What changes when you recognize the drain?
Sometimes, being able to name what is draining you is enough to give you a little agency. You can more clearly see what happened and why it affected you (this can take some practice though, to get to the real reason). That clarity can make the experience feel less confusing, even before anything changes.
So if we put our systems thinking hat back on, we’ll remember that work, as a system, has many different parts. Some of them bad, but also some of them good. Even if the good moments are tiny little moments.
When you look at your workday, pay attention to the good side too. Which colleague do you enjoy working with? What type of work interests you? When do you get a little peace from working alone? What made you smile or chuckle even for just a moment?
Those small moments matter. It sounds obvious to lean into them, but sometimes we skip the obvious thing because it seems too simple.
So how does this help then?
What could you put after the difficult part?
One thing I suggest is pairing something draining with something that gives you space, peace, or energy.
If you know a call is likely to be frustrating, could you spend a little time afterward with a colleague you enjoy? You could work on something together, ask about their project, or talk about something unrelated.
You can vent if that helps. But you don’t have to relive the interaction to get some distance from it. Sometimes an ordinary, enjoyable conversation is what you need. Plus, we don’t want our best colleague to associate us with only coming to them when we’re upset.
Or, you might prefer a few quiet minutes alone. If a meeting ends after 45 minutes and your schedule allows it, you could take a five- or ten-minute walk before sitting down again. Just a way to get some energy and movement going through your body, putting yourself back into the present moment, and remembering you are a full and complete human being no matter how silly that meeting just was.
The useful question is: what tends to help you? Choose something small enough to fit into your day, try it after a draining activity, and notice whether it gives you any space.
What if the interaction keeps running through your head?
Another thing I suggest is writing it down somewhere private: a notebook, a journal, or your personal phone… just not on a work device. Remember, treat anything you put on a work device as something that can be read by anyone else.
Ask yourself:
- What was it about this interaction that drained me?
- What emotion am I feeling?
- If I know my core values, did something happen that felt at odds with one of them?
- What personally got stepped on for me that put my back into a corner?
You don’t need a polished moment by moment playback. You’re giving the experience somewhere to exist outside your head, where you can look at it and reflect on it.
Sometimes, seeing the thoughts written down helps you separate what happened from everything you’ve been carrying afterward. That can give you a little more room to decide what to do next.
What could change before this happens again?
Once you have some breathing room, return to the source of the problem.
Take this scenario as an example. Imagine a project is due Thursday morning, but feedback arrives at five o’clock on Wednesday. Now you’re working into the evening to make the changes.
It’s easy to focus on how to get through that evening: work faster, reorganize the tasks, or decide which revisions matter most.
But there’s another question worth asking: how did you end up getting feedback the night before the deadline to begin with? What were the chain of events that got us into this place?
Could you send something for review on Tuesday, agree on feedback by Wednesday morning, and leave time for revisions during the workday? Could reviewers look at an earlier version, before every detail is finished?
That depends on the workload, the reviewers, and what you can actually influence. Sending something earlier won’t help if nobody has agreed to review it earlier. But it gives you a specific part of the process to discuss, instead of repeatedly trying to become better at working late.
And no… it’s often not fair that we have to go out of our way to do this extra work that probably should be managed by someone else. But… we can either do this or continue suffering.
The same approach applies to other draining situations. What keeps creating the pressure? Which part can you change yourself, and which part needs someone else’s involvement?
A conversation, a walk, or a few minutes of writing can help you gain enough space to consider those questions. You may still need a bigger change. For now, you’re supporting yourself through the immediate experience while looking for a way to make the next one less draining.
