Why can a difficult relationship with work creep up on you?
Work can take over gradually… It starts with an extra evening of work here… maybe a few hours on the weekend… just one more project you agree to take on. Each decision seems manageable, until you look around and realize how much of your life has been pushed aside. We often don’t see it happen until it’s far too late. And it’s because of how gradual it occurs, our brains are very bad at seeing changes occur while we’re in the midst of them.
Burnout is associated with persistent workplace stress that has not been adequately addressed. The World Health Organization describes it in those terms. The gradual erosion of time for yourself can be easy to miss when you are focused on getting through the next demand. We keep saying to ourselves I just have to get to the end of this month and everything will get better
But in order to take on those extra pieces of work, we have to sacrifice something else. Time is finite… and it’s the most valuable currency we have. Suddenly, a skipped dinner becomes familiar, a hobby disappears from your week, or maybe you are physically with your family, but your attention is still at work.
When we suddenly realize how bad it’s gotten, we look for a big change to make everything feel worthwhile: a promotion, a raise, a bonus, or even a new job.
I have done this myself. Many many many times.
We want the achievement to tell us that all the struggle was worth it. We want the validation from someone or something else.
And while sure, those changes can matter, but if the patterns consuming your life continue, reaching a milestone may leave the daily experience much the same. The fix and relief we were hoping for never comes. How many times have you already said “If I can just get through X…”
So… the fix isn’t something big and grand. It’s the exact same pattern that got us into this mess to begin with.
Small gradual positive changes over time
But in order to get there, we have to face the first problem that got us here to begin with is realizing that things are gradually changing.
How do I track and stay on top of small changes?
At the end of each week, a simple reflection in a journal can go a long way. Write a few vulnerable sentences about the week and put a date on them. Keep each entry so you have something to compare with later.
You might reflect on:
- Energy and motivation: How much did I have? When did I feel especially drained or engaged? When did I lean in versus leaning away?
- Clarity: Do I understand my priorities, where I stand at work, and what direction I want to take? Or do things feel very muddy, hazy, and confusing?
- Satisfaction and sense of self: How do I feel about my work and myself this week? What felt good, and what felt uncomfortable?
- Life outside work: What did I make time for? What did I sacrifice? How were my sleep, meals, movement, relationships, and interests?
That last part matters the most. A week in which you got everything done but repeatedly missed dinner, canceled plans, and checked work notifications in bed has a cost to it.
Try to give yourself concrete details in the reflection. “I had dinner with my kids twice without checking my phone” gives you something more specific to revisit than “this week was better.”
The aim is to describe what happened, without grading yourself against how you think you should feel. Because “should” can be a very slippery slope mentally.
Once you’ve done this, we want to look for the small things we can change and protect in the coming week.
What is one small thing you can protect next week?
Choose one part of your life that work has been crowding out.
It might be finishing at a reasonable time one evening, keeping a date night with your partner, spending time with your pets, or turning off work notifications before bed when you are not on call. It’s not about a big grand gesture… just something small that’s easy to do. A lot of times people are afraid to make these small changes out of fear of losing their job. That’s the beauty of a small change. For most people, silencing notifications while you sleep, just for a single night, will not result in your termination the next morning. (and if that’s not the case… if not answering an email at 2am results in you being fired, I urge you to start looking for a new job!)
The following week, return to your notes. Did you protect that time? How did it feel? Was there any difference in your energy, satisfaction, or ability to be present outside work?
After a few weeks, look across several entries. Have you seen any small improvements in energy, clarity, satisfaction, or life outside of work? Anything small at all is a win. If a small change helps, keep protecting it before adding another. If nothing improves, or things worsen, that is useful to know and look at too; workload or workplace conditions may need changes and support beyond your individual habits. And, depending on the nature of it, would be well worth a call to a therapist, mentor, or coach.
Making room for recovery may also support your work. Research has linked mentally stepping away from work with less exhaustion, better sleep, and modestly better task performance. Research on detachment from work.
Your next sign of progress may be an evening you kept for yourself, a meal you were present for, or a little more energy for something you care about.
Sometimes… progress is one small moment where a smile returns to our face that last week was missing.
